Before I embark on describing the details of the framework, this week I like to share some disclaimers and discuss two topics which I believe are like the foundations for the “SIMPLE grace” framework.
Firstly, the disclaimers:
1. I have not invented any new theories. When it comes to principles on human interactions, there are time tested principles – we don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Having read and grappled with some of the theories, especially when trying to implement them, I’m only attempting to share pertinent points which I feel made a difference to the way I think and act. These, I have captured in the “SIMPLE grace” framework for ease of memorizing, recalling and hopefully practicing.
2. I don’t mean to plagiarize anyone. Most of what I share, I have read them somewhere, and where possible I will share the references and links. If there is something of my own, then I will emphasize that too. Otherwise, take it that someone else have written about this before. I have started to create a list of references on our website at http://hrcoach.sg/resources/ so that you can read what the original author had to say on a topic.
Now onto the 2 topics that form the foundations of the “SIMPLE grace” framework. While change is quite often declared as the only constant, I’m glad to say these human behavioural principles will continue to hold true in the future.
PAIN AND PLEASURE
I’m sure you would have heard of the famous “pain and pleasure” principle by Sigmund Freud. Basically, he suggests that people avoid pain and seek pleasure. And I would like to keep it that simple for our discussion. Think about it, would you like to surround yourself with someone who insults you, naturally not. We also know that a compliment typically gives pleasure to the recipient and so they move towards those who recognize and compliment them. I use the word “typically”, because not all of us are the same when it comes to what causes pain and pleasure. I had a colleague who did not like to be praised in public. While some of us prefer an open debate, others avoid any form of disagreement. Therefore, we do need to understand the individual and what would cause them pain or pleasure. It’s not that difficult, to know an individual’s pain or pleasure, we simply have to ask them. That’s why “Get Permission” will be a first principle I we will discuss in the acronym g.r.a.c.e. Again, while this principle might seem simple, it is not easy – how often have we just gone ahead to share our opinion uninvited.
Also, some pain come in a very subtle form. For example, in my coaching training I was taught not to use “why” in asking open-ended question. “Why not”, I asked. Apparently, the “why” question triggers a person to take a defensive stance. When we are asking, “Why did you do that?”, it pre-supposes the requirement for a good explanation, which typically drives a person wanting to defend their action, rather than thinking through one’s rational behind an action. So, a “why” question, tends to point a finger at us and naturally that is not very pleasurable. However, if we use a “what” question, apparently it helps the person think through their rational without getting defensive on the first instance. For example, “what were your consideration when you decided to…”
Therefore, as a foundational principle, the first place to start is to evaluate our words and/or actions and see if it would cause pain or pleasure and act accordingly to stay away from pain.
And for starters, let’s drop the “why” question. This is not easy either as I have tried and failed many times. From the first time we learned to speak, we have been using the “why” question. This has become a habit. This leads me to the next foundational topic – HABITS
HABITS
Understanding principles, practices and process are all good, but what drives change is our habits – “the unconscious acts that takes place without too much thinking”. Stephen Covey is commonly quoted to have said, “Sow a thought, reap an action, sow an action, reap a habit, sow a habit reap a destiny.” The secret is to move from a thought to a habit or from principles to daily unconscious practices. One of the first book I read on habits was Charles Duhigg’s, “The Power of Habit”, 2012. Duhigg discusses the Cue-Routine-Reward cycle for forming habits . He stresses that we cannot extinguish a bad habit but can only change it. What he recommends is to change the “routine” in the cycle. In a conversation or interaction, the routine is what we say or do. The “SIMPLE grace” model will discuss some of these responses and provide some alternative routine. According to Marshall Goldsmith, in his book, “Triggers”, 2015, it is easier to manage a personal habit, like smoking or getting fit, as it deals with you and a static object like a cigarette or an inviting dessert. However, changing a behavioural interpersonal habit is harder as there are more “triggers” in the environment that will affect our responses. Take for instance developing the habit of managing difficult conversation. Just when you think you have learned to be a little more patient; your spouse or children would say or do something that would “trigger” different emotions. Your sense of entitlement will kick in and your old behaviours will show its face and ruin the discussion. To build a new habit, we need discipline. Goldsmith also emphasizes that “structure”, helps with being disciplined. In the “SIMPLE grace” framework we not only discuss key principles and practices for managing effective conversation, it provides a simple structure that can be easily memorized and practiced, to change or create habits.
ACTION FOR THE WEEK
It is important that we move from theory to action. To help us build a new habit, can I suggest actions for the week. For this week:
1. Try not to use “why” in your questions, especially where you don’t want the person to get defensive and would like for them to share their thoughts or thinking instead. Use “what”, or “how”. This will take some thinking and practise for sure.
2. Reflect on any past feedback on your habits that you may have received. For example, when it came to a difficult conversation or heated discussion, have they pointed out that you tend to get louder, or that you tend to avoid the discussion altogether or that you just don’t listen etc.? Self-awareness is the first place to start in personal development. So please take note of these feedback and we will review it in the weeks to come when we go through the model – “SIMPLE grace” for effective conversation.